What to Expect When You’re NOT Expecting

If you are trying to conceive and it’s just not happening as fast as you expected, as in RIGHT NOW DAMMIT! I’ve put together this helpful list of Do’s and Don’ts. It won’t get you pregnant, but it may help you out along the way.


DON’T Commit a Senseless Act of Violence
If you see a pregnant woman strolling around the Farmer’s Market on a Sunday morning* with her well behaved toddler on one arm and her ruggedly handsome husband on the other- do not throw hot coffee in her face. No matter how much you want to. You will be arrested.

*You will see a pregnant woman at the Farmer’s Market. 100% of the women that attend Farmer’s Markets are pregnant. Even the 60 year- old lady that sells rhubarb jam has a baby bump.


DO Use Your Vivid Imagination
When you come face to face with the blinding glow that is the pregnant woman, don’t let it get you down. Instead use this as an opportunity for introspection. In my moments of introspection, said pregnant woman is afflicted with chronic halitosis, a very unfortunate looking vagina or a husband with a penchant for hairless Asian men. This always makes things seem a little brighter.

DON’T Bring Up Cervical Mucus in Casual Conversation
Unless you are talking to your OB/GYN, your fertility specialist or your friend that’s a nurse, no human being- including and especially your husband wants to hear the words “cervical mucus,” escape your lips. I don’t care how awesome your cervical mucus is.

DO Scream at Your Zucchini
Unlike pregnant women at the Farmer’s Market, the zucchini in your garden don’t have feelings. So feel free to unleash all your rage and frustration at these blatantly fertile vegetables. It’s about time someone took down those obnoxiously fruit bearing plants.

If you don’t have a garden, your local grocery store’s produce department will do.

DON’T Blame Yourself
Maybe you experimented with recreational drugs in your early 20’s, wasted your most fertile years in dead end relationships, or chain smoked your way through college. Perhaps you did none of this or, like me, all of this and more.

There’s no point dwelling in the past and ruminating over former bad choices. Why not take all those feelings of negativity and self blame and place them directly where they belong- on your parents. It’s fine, they’re used to it.

DO Relax About People Telling You To “Relax”
I don’t care if this person is your best friend, your OB/GYN or you grandmother when they utter the phrase “You know, you just need to relax about this,” it may invoke a feeling very opposite of relaxation and more closely aligned with committing an act of physical violence.

As much as you may want to punch your BFF, she’s really just trying to help. Instead, seek out and confide in that one friend who gets you, who gets this (maybe because she’s been through it too) and who can make a kick ass Margarita.

If This Random British Guy Says it, It Must Be True

Fertility blogs are a great way to kill an afternoon. For one, I like to immerse myself in horrifically sad topics and we all knew the Casey Anthony trial had to come to an end eventually. Secondly, I am sickly comforted by people who are having a tougher go of getting pregnant than I am. Are you a forty-three year old woman undergoing your fourth IVF cycle? Well you just made my day a little brighter. I'm not proud admitting that, but I suspect I'm not alone. Then today in my quest to find some sad sack having a rougher go of it than I am, I came across an article that made me think.

Mostly about punching the author.

The article is titled “Getting Him Into Babymaking,” and it’s written by some British guy. I know he’s British because he says things like “blokes,” and “hijinx.”

This British guy, who from here on out will be referred to as Mister British Fancy Man wrote a list of things you should never do if you want your husband to keep banging you into pregnancy. Or as he refers to it, “to help women get the best out of their steed.”

The article began with information that I can only describe as useless, as in, "men need time before they are ready," and you must make sure "he’s actually ready for you to be pregnant." The author also states that getting your hubby to agree to impregnating you after a few beers doesn’t count as a yes. Because we all know women are the 100% of the time pressuring men to have babies. And men are so daft (that's British speak for stupid), you can totally convince them after a couple of beers.

For the record, my husband brought up babies first, and second, and third.

But this was all well and good and not too troublesome, until I got to the part where he states that we women make the mistake of telling men when we are ovulating. He claims this is the “fundamental mistake made by all women.” Really sir? Even women who aren’t trying to have a baby? My grandmother? Catholic Nuns? I guess so, since he has so clearly stated it is all women.

He also advises women to never mention thermometers, ovulation windows, etc. Ever.

While I can see the wisdom in his statement, as it could potentially put a damper on sexy time, I have to again, disagree. Perhaps he might consider the possibility that some men actually want to know. Or that some couples might not have sex every other day, so it helps them to know their window of opportunity. Am I meant to stay mum on a topic that is affecting my life to such a massive degree? So, when I have a doctor’s appointments to check if that spot in my uterus is indeed a cyst, shall I just tell him I was getting my nails done? And does this work in reverse? Maybe I don’t want to hear about the mobility of his sperm. Maybe knowing his sperm numbers is a huge girl boner killer for me! Did you ever think about that Mister British Fancy Man?

I’m not saying you have to have a full disclosure style relationship with your husband on every single aspect of the experience of conception. I cringe whenever the term "cervical mucus," escapes my lips. Can we all agree from here on out to call it Baby Making Taffy?

But what I am saying is, sharing this journey of baby making with my husband has made it less painful, but more importantly- brought us closer.