Saturday, September 3, 2011

How to Be a Terrible Wife

Endless articles exist on how to move through reproductive challenges gracefully, but what about if you prefer the path of most resistance? Here are some of my own helpful tips.

1. Put a urine spattered ovulation test stick in your husband’s hand, point to the bedroom and say, “It better fucking work this time.”

2. Buy a fertility book called “Making Babies,” then read it to your husband every night in bed wearing sensible cotton underwear.

3. When your husband makes his third coffee stop of the day give him the most judgey face you can muster and snap- “Fine, then you can pay for the IVF!”

4. Cry when you see a pregnant woman, cry when you see a baby, cry when you see your reflection in the mirror, cry when you see anything with your eyes.

5. Go on an extreme “PH fertility diet,” that restricts you from eating all of the foods you love, but make sure you do it at the same time you go off your anti-depressants.

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